Books

I often end up editing library books as I read to Sara if I don't get the chance to preview them. Some I just close and say they are mean. Arthur was one of those. On the second page of Arthur and the True Francine Arthur's friend Buster says of one of the teachers, "He sleeps in a coffin and drinks human blood." What?!! Why would a children's author include that description? I also disliked Pinkalicious. Sara loved the concept of everything being pink. I also thought the idea was cute but we can do without the negative attitudes modeled in the book. Sara comes by that naturally and she doesn't need more material. The other thing that annoyed me about that one was the way green vegetables were portrayed, as "yuck" food. The the pink "yummy" food was sugary, nutrition-less crap.

I just finished reading Nurtureshock which presents and discusses a bunch of interesting research on various parenting topics. In a study on sibling relationships, the researcher concluded that having children read books such as the Berenstein Bears which deal with sibling conflict actually results in a negative impact on their relationships because of the negative modeling. The books always resolve the conflict and the kids in the story learn to treat each other better but the majority of the book is devoted to the conflict and includes a lot of negative modeling and that is the part the kids pick up. We have closed a couple of Berenstein Bear books. The other thing that annoys me about them is the way Papa Bear is portrayed like a doofus while only Mama is the competent parent. I can usually manage to edit that out.

Reading Children's Bible Stories is also interesting. In the story of the plagues on Egypt when Pharaoh would not let God's people go the final plague is that the firstborn sons will die. The Children's Bible we have says they will disappear which I thought was an appropriate way to put things for a 3 year old. I have never realized how much violence there is in Bible stories.

Poor Little Waif

My mom told me that when I was a month old my dad's godmother came to see me and bring a baby present. She was an old Finnish lady who looked at me and said in Finnish, "Oh poor little waif. This is such a miserable world." My mom speaks Finnish so she understood what the woman was saying and thought, "what a thing to say to a new mom" but she says the older she gets the more she understands what the woman meant. There is so much suffering in this world.

As a mom I love my babies so much and want to protect them. They are so innocent, helpless, and dependent when they are born and I want to keep them safe from sickness, pain, and mean and evil people. I almost don't want to have anymore kids because I hate to bring them into our world. I wonder if God had similar feelings sending his son -- helpless babe born in a barn in a sinful world, so innocent and perfect. And God knew he would suffer and die in this world.

Last night my friend graduated from Divinity School. The president gave a commencement address on Christ's sufficiency. He told the graduates they would come across people in ministry for whom they would have nothing to offer...parents who lost a child in Iraq or Afghanistan, people with a terminally ill loved one. All they could do is point them to the unlimitless power and love of Christ. He is enough.

I just got my alumni class notes from college and read that the youth pastor of the junior high youth group I worked with during my senior year of college lost his wife to cancer this past July. Now he is single-parenting two little boys.

There was an article in yesterday's paper about how a Florida man was exonerated after 35 years behind bars for a crime he did not commit. He was sentenced to life in prison for kidnapping and raping a 9-year-old boy. Officials used modern DNA testing to determine he could not have been the rapist. He says he is not angry because he has God. I guess he has learned the sufficiency of Christ.

I love and delight in and am thankful for my children and I am glad that there are two of them to go through life together. I hope to raise them to be salt and light in this world. Knowing that they may choose not to follow Christ is heart-wrenching but I pray that they will. I wonder if rather than bringing more children into this miserable world we should adopt some children who are in need. Not right now--I don't have the energy--but if we were to keep having babies we probably never would. There are many "poor little waifs" who need a loving home "in this miserable world."

Newman's Own Butt Cream

While we were at my parent's house for Thanksgiving, Isaac needed a diaper change so I went upstairs to grab the changing pad, a diaper, and wipes. While I was going through the luggage I also grabbed the bottle of Newman's Olive Oil and Vinegar Salad Dressing I had brought with me for dinner. I plopped them all down on the T.V. room floor ready to change the diaper. My brother Nate surveyed my set-up and inquired, "Where did you read about that?" assuming the salad dressing was going to be part of the diapering routine. My brother has seen me come up with enough unusual ideas it didn't seem out of character for me to be lubing Isaac up with the Olive Oil and Vinegar if I had read about it somewhere. We had a good laugh about that.

Oofta!

Sara has been into pretending lately. She likes to pretend that I am a little girl and she is one of my friends from my picture book from childhood.

She also likes to pretend that she is the mom and I am her. We were pretending this yesterday and it was actually quite helpful in getting the house clean while entertaining her. Me to Sara: "Mom, I'll help you do the laundry now"; "Mom, will you help me pick up my toys;" "Mom, I'll help you empty the dishwasher." She was much more into helping when she was the mom and I was a pretty efficient 3 1/2 year old.

When Sara was putting the silverware in the drawer she just threw it in haphazardly. Yeah...I do that some times to save time when I am emptying the dishwasher. When she is herself she does a better job of putting the silverware where it should go but I couldn't really complain about her acting like me.

She also asked me, "Do you need to use the potty? You haven't used it for quite awhile." No, I did not. And I could empathize with how she sometimes gets annoyed when I ask her that and how she feels when I tell her she can only have one pretzel right before dinner. Sara cautioned me to be careful with the knives and careful on the stairs. She "read" me picture books. When I was putting Isaac, "my baby brother," to bed I asked "Mom" if she wanted to turn on the white noise machine. She bent over and said, "Oofta." "Oofta? Do I say that?" I caught myself saying it again today when I was lifting something, "Oofta!"

Reverse Psychology at Bedtime

For months we have been using THE GATE (baby gate across the door) as a threat when she gets out of bed. "Sara, if you get out of one more time I will put up the gate." "No! Don't put up the gate." And she stays in bed. Two nights ago she decided she wanted the gate up. "Mom, please put up the gate so I don't get curious." And then she was able to knock it down. "Can I please have the gate?" Now I say, "No, Sara. I will not put up the gate. It doesn't help you remember to stay in bed." Hey! What just happened here?

Last night, we threatened to take stuffed animals away from her if she did not stay in bed. Todd told her, "I am not going to tell you to stay in your bed again." As she went back to bed he whispered to me, "I am not going to say anything. The next time she comes out here, I am going to go and take an animal." Two seconds later, Sara is back. "Here, you can take this one," she says as she hands over a stuffed doll. We are being schooled by a three year old.

She went back to bed. The next time she got out, Todd picked an animal and took it away. This resulted in many tears and screaming.

Todd told me that it's like us making an offering to God. When we choose what to offer it's not a big sacrifice. But when God chooses it's a lot harder. Like Abraham being asked to offer his son Isaac.

I am furious. Isaac had desperate inconsolable crying for over 3 hours from 7:00 p.m. to after 10 p.m. after having his vaccinations at about 4:00 p.m. I talked to the nurse today. She said some kids have that. The sheet for DTap they give you says you should talk to your health care provider for more information if that happens and that some of these children should not have another dose of pertussis vaccine but should get a DT. When I asked if his reaction was probably from the Dtap, the nurse told me that really any of the shots can cause that reaction. I said, "So I guess that is a good reason not to give so many at once." She said, "I guess so." I said, "So do you usually not continue with the series then." She said, "We do. It is a personal decision though." I said I had read that it may be caused by swelling of the brain. She said it is often just the injection sites themselves that hurt and then the kids get so worked up they can't stop crying. I said he was fine in the evening and then this started at about 7:00. She said she didn't know what causes it but she would let the doctor know Isaac had that reaction. I suspect it is the Dtap as that is the only vaccine sheet that lists that as a symptom.

So this is considered an acceptable reaction and you just proceed with the vaccine schedule? What is happening to their little brains? If there was an adult vaccine that made you cry insonsolably for hours because you were in so much pain from pressure on your brain would you repeat it? A baby can't articulate what they are feeling, but you can tell from their cry that something is very wrong. Isaac was in a lot more pain than than from the circumcision. I am sure that was painful but this was different.

I will never again give so many vaccines at once (and we didn't even give the Hep B) I am concerned about a baby receiving so much injected aluminum at once and so many things to fight at the same time. But even aside from that, you don't even know what they are reacting to when they get so many. I hope and pray Isaac is okay. He seems fine today. Kids are resillient. I am kind-of kicking myself for not spacing the vaccines and annoying the doctor by ordering the Dtap low in aluminum. I don't like feeling like I am fighting the doctor. It would be so much easier if I could find a doc who was supportive of using caution in vaccination and in evaluating an adverse effect according to the package insert.

From the Dtap vaccine insert:
If temperature ≥105°F, collapse or shock-like state, or persistent, inconsolable crying lasting ≥3 hours have occurred within 48 hours after receipt of a pertussis-containing vaccine, or if seizures have occurred within 3 days after receipt of a pertussis-containing vaccine, the decision to give INFANRIX should be based on potential benefits and risks. (5.3)

I was trying to figure out what this means. Other medical sites called Isaac's reaction a pre-caution or warning. Not a contra-indication that they should not have the vaccine but a warning. What do you do with that? Your kid may be having a bad brain reaction to this vaccine. I did find one medical site that said perhaps if there was a pertussis outbreak the benefits would outweight the risks. Todd and I are both going to get the Pertussis vaccine. Isaac has gotten one dose. I guess I will monitor the Health Department's web-site and if there is a wide-spread Pertussis outbreak in the community when he is still little, we will stay home.

Things I have learned from various sources about vaccination:
Don't want to give Tylenol to pre-medicate. May mask a reaction. May make vaccines less effective. Gives the kidneys more to process when they are already taxed. Of course, if a fever is dangerously high you want to give it. And we gave it because Isaac was in extreme pain but we did not the next day when he was just fussy.

Vaccinations yesterday. Stressful being at the doctor's office with all the germs going around. Todd came with me and waited in the car with Sara and Isaac so they didn't need to wait in the waiting room. Sara got the H1N1 vaccine without mercury. (They gave her the under 3 dose as that was the only mercury-free one they had so it is only half a dose but she is on the small side for her age so hopefully it will help.) Isaac got everything on schedule except the Hep. B. He seemed fine until about 7:00 last night and then cried inconsolably for 3 hours, a high pictched desperate cry. I find the vaccinations very stressful. I don't want them to get the diseases so I want them to get them but then if they were to have a bad reaction it's like "great, I did this to my kid." Isaac seems back to his usual happy self today though.

Now, I am hoping to find the H1N1 vaccine without mercury for myself. Todd thinks I should get it. I am not sure. The doctor's office only has the mercury version. Trying to find out how much mercury from the vaccine ends up in breastmilk. Is it equivalent to eating fish or is it a lot more? The doctor is going to ask another doc who is specializing in heading up the H1N1 for the hospital and also specializes in breastfeeding. You would think they must have done studies on the basic flu shot with the same amount of mercury as the H1N1 but maybe not.

Anyway, after Isaac's reaction last night I am glad I did not get the mercury flu shot. Then I would have been worried the milk would be contributing to his discomfort with the potential egg allergy and mercury.

I have been thinking some more about my strong reaction to Sara hurting Isaac yesterday and God's reaction to our misbehavior toward each other. I was talking with one of my friends who said she sometimes will let her almost 2 year old fight back a bit with her 3 1/2 year old before intervening so the older girl experiences the receiving end of the behavior she often dishes out. The difference is this case is that Isaac is defenseless and vulnerable. I think that biblically God does have a special place in his heart for the defenseless and for children. Our small group has been studying the book of Matthew and we recently finished chapter 18 where Jesus says, "Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." Those are pretty strong words. Then in chapter 19 the disciples are rebuking people for bringing children to Jesus. (What Jesus said in chapter 18 didn't sink in.) Jesus says, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." God is called a "father to the fatherless" and a "defender of widows." He watches over aliens.(Psalms 68:5, 146:9)

Stir-Crazy

I know I'm getting stir-crazy when a stranger at the grocery store strikes up a conversation about the merits of her favorite toilet paper and I find myself excited to talk about it. We haven't been going to our mommy groups with all the bugs going around in an effort to keep our newborn healthy. (Not to mention getting anywhere with two kids is a lot more work.)

The swine flu is going around. I am having a hard time trusting God and believing in both his omnipotence and his goodness. Todd says he has trouble reading news stories about kids getting badly hurt or killed now that he is a parent. Like the one about the girl who was abducted at age 11 and was regularly raped and kept in the backyard. She now has two kids of her own and was just rescued. How can God allow such evil?

Today, Sara slapped a baby mirror Todd was holding into Isaac's face. We got so mad at her and put her in a 5 minute time-out. I comforted Isaac and he was fine and then after Sara had a long time-out she apologized to Isaac. I thought about how I love both of them so much. When you have one kid you wonder how you can possibly love another kid as much as you love your first and then you have another one and you do. I also thought about God and how He loves each person he created and how mad he must get when we hurt each other. “You are my child. I love you but I am so mad that you hurt my other child. Into the corner now.”

My friend told me their little girl is getting spoiled being an only child. Having two changes that -- no longer am I at Sara's beck and call. She just has to deal with life not going the way she wants because I don't have the energy. It has changed my attitude. The last time she lost her stuffed dogs we searched the house looking for them -- now I tell her after we look for a few minutes, "they will turn up." That's life -- deal with it.





Today Sara was building a cross out of legos and telling her lego people that it is sad that Jesus died on the cross. "God never sins," she told them. "That's what God's for."

Circles and Sticks

When I was almost four years old, my Mom began a book for me, Stories About Kristin. She wrote about things I did: "Kite Flying With Daddy"; "Daddy, Kristin, and Nosy (the dog) go boating in the pond"; "Kristin falls off her topsy-turvy tricycle, gets rocks in her head, and goes to the doctor." To go along with each story, I drew pictures of myself, my parents, and my dog.

As I grew older, I was embarassed by the way I had drawn the pictures in my storybook. People did not look like scribbles. They were made out of circles and sticks. I drew circles over the scribbles. I put lines sticking out of the people for arms and legs. My mom told me not to fix my pictures. "You drew those when you were younger," she said, "You will want to look back and see how you drew then." I quit fixing my scribble people. Soon, I realized that a person wasn't circles and sticks either, but I didn't change these people. I just drew new people differently. As I continued to mature, I was able to understand more clearly how to draw people.

In the same way, I matured in my understanding of Christianity. I can not pinpoint a "moment" I accepted Christ. I look at my faith development as a process. "I was raised to praise the living Lord, to whom I now belong." My understanding of Christ's death on the cross for my sins has grown and I have personalized it. For some people faith is a sudden transformation; for me it was gradually putting the pieces together and maturing, just like I did with my circle and stick people.

Now, I am writing a book with Sara about her experiences. She is the illustrator and she draws circle and stick people too. I am also teaching her about God and Jesus.

We go walking in the cemetary near our house with a friend who also has a daughter Sara's age. The girls have a ritual of touching a cross in the masoleum. "That's where Jesus died," Sara told me the other day. "Well, not here," I said, "It was on a big wooden cross but that cross reminds us that He died on the cross for us." She is gradually putting the pieces together too.